The Irony of 2013

2013 has begun a few days ago. Classes have resumed and I'm back to my old routine. So what do I have in store for today? As usual, another entry to my "feelings for the day" diary. Well, life surprised me with an irony. An irony involving myself. Why? I am being consulted by my friend who has a "lovelife" problem. On the other hand, I have another problem.

I lack attention thus I need attention. I want to be cared for. I want to appreciated. I want to be loved for who I am. A person whose love I need and I can't survive without it. Hazely's love. I grew up not close with my parents. When I was a child, my grandparents took care of me. I only see my parents during the night and most of that time, I was dozing off already. It happened one day, my father was with me at home. He scolded me for spilling water. I quickly ran to my room and hid under the bed. There, a question buzzed in my mind. "Do my parents love me?. That was the beginning of it. When I was in elementary, my mother was strict in terms of academic affairs. I get in fights with my mother most of the time and I get scratches in my neck or sometimes even my face. If my father hears about a fight that occurred earlier that day, he will punch me.  I spent an hour or so crying my heart out. That question remained in my head. After some time, I grew cold to them. I did not share any secret with them. I did not confess anything personal. The distance grew and grew. Until the day, that I told myself, "I need love. The kind of love my parents did not give me." That's the reason why I always seek love. I seek attention from others. I grew up with little attention and little love. No time for those things because all I thought about that time is studying. Now we get to the topic. Hazely's love. Why is her love special? What makes it different to the others? I'll answer those questions. First off, why is it special? It's special because it's the kind of love that makes you feel good no matter what. Our closeness is that of a bestfriend. Our love is that of a couple. Our stories are from a kid's mind. Mix those up and that's what you get. A relationship in which you can be open about anything. Talk about anything. Laugh at anything. Share thoughts and secrets. I really like that relationship. It's so special for me because, it's the kind of love that I was looking for. All those things we did are those that I did not let my parents experience. It's so special that I'll do anything to fight for it. Now, what makes it different to others. Hazely. Hazely makes it different because of her charming and bubbly personality. I have never seen a girl so random like her. We're like the jack of all trades because we can be anything. Her personality adds color to the relationship. Her laughter, her smile, her small antics, her touch, her smell. Everything about her is unique. And the significant difference is the way she loves me. I actually consider her a "tsundere". An anime character which he or she initially shows cold and mean personality but inside is a soft and loving heart. Hazely is a tsundere for me becasue, sometimes she's showing her cold side to me but afterwards she will cuddle me. Sometimes, I compliment her for something. Instead of being flattered, she would say I'm stupid. Something like that. Cute eh? I have a thing for tsunderes. No wonder on the irony. My girlfriend is a real life tsundere. Now, all these things are worth everything. All these are worth fighting or even dying for. I really love Hazely and I will do everything to make her happy and contented with me. I'll be more understanding to her when it comes to somethings. I'll be more patient and try not to irritate her again. I'll never raise my voice when arguing with her nor will I lay my hand on her. Hazely. I love you you so much! You mean everything to me. You're the most special girl. The most beautiful and the cutest girl I've ever met. You're love is addicting. It's my only drug. I need it badly. I need it for survival. I assure you. You will meet a new me this 2013. A year of great adventure awaits us! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

You made me smile and cry last 2012. This 2013, I will be with you through every step of the way. Helping you to conquer every challenge life has to offer us. I hope that we have a good and enjoyable year. Always remember! No giving up! We can do this! I love you Hazely. ;*

Is This The End?

Hopefully not. Hayy. Eto na naman. Nagaway na naman kaming dalawa. Isa lang ang sinimulan nun: ICE CREAM. Yeah. Alam ko na mababaw. Pero nakalimutan ko kasi na ililibre ko siya ng ice cream eh. Hayyy. Tanga ko talaga. So ayun. Dun nagsimula ang lahat. Tapos lumaki na. Di ko matanggap yung pinagawayan namin eh. Oo nga. Nakakasawa nga pag puro letter yung binibigay mo. Tama siya. 6 months, 6 letters. Puro na lang letter. Nakakasawa nga naman. Hayy. Sana naiinitindihan niya na namomroblema din ako pagdating sa pera. Sige Hazely. Kung nababasa mo ulit to eto na:

Sorry Hazely. Alam mo naman na ginagawa ko lahat para mapasaya ka diba? Hayyy. Eto na naman pinagawayan natin dati eh. Akala ko nakuntento ka na sa kung ano binibigay ko. Yun pala hindi. Pero sige, naiintindihan naman kita. Nakakasawa nga naman. Wala ng bago. Hayy. Pasensya ka na ha. Medyo naubusan na din kasi ako ng idea eh. Aminado ako dun. Pero kahit na, tinatry ko pa rin best ko para maayos  yun. Pero ngayong sinabi mo na na "materialistic" ka. Naiintindihan ko na ngayon. Handa naman ako ibigay sayo kung ano gusto mo eh. Sabihin mo lang. Ikaw talaga. Napaka unpredictable mo. Pasensya na. Mahirap lang kasi kami. Hirap na hirap tatay ko na bigyan ako ng pera. Dalawa pa kami ng kapatid ko. Sorrry talaga. Gustong gusto ko bumawi dun sa mga panahon na wala akong binigay sayo eh. Hayyy. Kung pwede lang na makabawi ako. Hazely. Please? Wag tayo maghihiwalay. Di ko kakayanin eh. Seryoso ako. Gagawin ko lahat para bumalik ka. Wag ka na magtampo sa akin. Babawi na lang ako. Sa Christmas Party. Babawi ako. Pagbigyan mo na lang ako. Please? Hazely. Mahal na mahal talaga kita eh. Willing ako ibigay lahat sayo para mapasaya ka lang. Ganyan kita kamahal. Kahit di pa ako kumain ng isang taon para lang mabigay sayo kung ano gusto mo gagawin ko. Wag ka lang magtampo sa akin. Yun lang naman ang ayaw ko eh. Pag nagaaway tayo. Lalo na pag mababaw lang pinagmulan eh. Sorry bebe ko. I love you so much. Wag tayo maghihiwalay ha? Promise ko yan eh. Tutuparin ko yan.

Isa pa, wag sana padalosdalos. Diba sabi ko nga, "breaking up is an option, but never the solution". Sana palagi mo tatandaan yan. Na pag may problema tayo magbebreak agad. Lahat naman ng bagay nadadaan sa maayos na usapan eh. Wag na po tayo magaway ha? Please lang. I love you po. :*****

Sana bumalik  ka na. Yun lang ang gusto ko. Maayos na sana tong problemang to.  :(

Reminisce

So ayun nga. Lately nag-away na naman kami. Puro kadramahan na lang mga post ko dito no? Hayyy. Hi Hazely. Kung nababasa mo man to. Hello sa iyo. Para sayo to.

Naalala mo pa ba yung unang araw na tinext kita? Siyempre! Ako lang naman nakakalimot sa atin nung date na yun. Pero ngayon di na ako nakakalimot. February 28 2012 yun. 1 day bago mag Intrams yun. Syempre medyo awkward pa kasi 1st time eh. Dapat susurprise kita nun. Dapat di ako magpapakilala kaso sinabi ni Sadia. Oh well. Then kinabukasan pinanuod mo ko na maglaro ng Volleyball. Hahaha. Ambakla no? Tapos unang beses na sinabi mo sa akin na "Okay lang yan." kasi sinisi ko sarili ko nung natalo kami. Di lumipas ang isang araw na di kita tinext. Ikaw yung naging inspiration ko noon. May gusto na talaga ako sayo. Angkyut mo kasi eh. Atsaka tulad ng sinabi ko, there's something unique in you. Nacurious ako sayo. Sobra. You ran inside my head day and night. Naalala ko din yung umamin ako na gusto kita. Practice namin yun ng Noli Me Tangere. Ansaya ko nun. Dahil dun sa "Say You Like Me". So ayun nagstart na dun yung MU relationship natin. Naalala ko din yung 1st time na nagsama tayong dalawa. Sabi mo natatakot ka. So ayun. Sinundo kita. Natapilok pa nga ako nun sa sobrang kaba ko. Tapos nung summer naman. Nagkita tayo sa Rob ulit. Yun yung panahon na gustong gusto ko na mahawakan yung kamay mo. Kaso sabi mo bawal pa kasi di pa naman tayo eh. I want to hug you too. :( Kaso bawal ehhh. Tapos ang nakakahiya pa nun. Ikaw nagsabi ng "I love you" sa akin. Tapos di mo pa narinig yung reply ko. Hahaha. Nakakahiya yun. May 21st. Happiest day no? Sabi mo dapat 11 na lang monthsary natin. Kasi 11 talaga tayo naging mag MU. Pero okay na yun. Ansaya saya ko nung 21. Naalala ko pa yung gabing yun. Pauwi na kami nun galing Maragondon. Hayyy. Tapos nagstart na yung klase. Gabi gabi kitang hinintay. Tapos yung unang beses ko hinawakan kamay mo. Anlamig ng kamay mo. Pero kinilig ako nun. Ansarap sarap hawakan ng kamay mo. Haha. Tapos every Friday nasa Rob tayo. Hinuhug kita. Ansarap ng hug mo eh. Naaadik ako dun. Hinahanap ko palagi yun. Gustong gusto ko yung pakikitungo natin sa isa't isa. Hayyy. Ansarap ng mga panahon na yun. Tapos yung nanuod tayo ng movies sa MoA. Tapos yung mga fireworks. Napakaromantic nun. Kahit dun tayo lagi. Enjoy ako lagi pag kasama kita. Di ko lang sinasabi pero napakasaya ko pag magkasama tayo. Di siguro sapat yung simpleng "thank you" para pasalamatan ka. Ansarap sa pakiramdam ehh. Pag kumakain tayo. Pag magkatabi tayo. Pag nakasandal ka sa akin. Hazely mahal na mahal kita.

Hazely. Alam mo. Umiiyak ako habang tinatype ko to. Inaalala ko bawat moment na masaya tayo. Kahit pa may mga tampuhan at awayan tayo. Yung mga away-bati natin. Hayy. Gusto ko ibalik lahat. Gusto ko maging okay tayo. Gusto ko patunayan sayo na kakayanin ko pa magbago. Kahit wala ka ng tiwala sa akin. Susubukan ko pa rin. Gagawin ko makakaya ko. Para ipakita na nagbago ko. Kahit pa pinagtatabuyan mo na ako. Kahit sinasabi mo na "di na kita mahal" "ayaw ko na sayo" "di kita gusto". Yung sakit sobra sobra na. Tinitiis ko lahat para sayo. Di mo rin naman masasabi na di ako naging mabuting boyfriend sayo. Oo may mga times na nagkakamali ako. Yung "wag mo ko gaguhin". Nasobrahan lang ako nun. Nainis ako sayo nun eh. Pero wala na yun. Andali dali ko magpatawad. Pinapatawad agad kita. Kasi ayoko lalo ka masaktan. Iniintindi ko damdamin mo. Tao lang din ako Hazely. Nakakaramdam din ako ng sakit. Sobrang sakit na. Ayoko pa rin bitawan ka. Ikaw lang talaga nagiisa kong mahal. Sana marealize mo at maisip mo na kahit ganun ako. Andami ko ng nagawa para sayo. Yung mga mabubuting nagawa ko sayo. Di mo masisisi na puro na lang ako mali. Kasi pareho lang tayo nagkakamali. Yung pagpoint out mo sa mga kamalian ko. Dun ako nasaktan ng sobra. Siguro kung nasasaktan kita emotionally, maliit lang. Pero pag nagalit ka na. Ansakit. Mumurahin mo ko diba? Umabot na nga sa sinikmuraan mo ko. Di mo ba nararamdaman kung gaano kita kamahal? Tapos sasabihin mo "you're not good enough?" Di naman ako perpektong boyfriend eh. Sana marealize mo na pareho lang tayo nagkakamali. Di masama yun. Sana mapatawad mo pa ako. Sana maayos pa to. Gusto ko isalba yung relationship natin. Ayoko pa mawala ka. Hayy. Naalala ko pa yung sinabi mo na di mo na ako sasaktan. Di mo na ako aawayin. Yung sinabi mo na mangako ako. Mangako na kahit anong mangyari. Kahit gano kalalim yung pinagawayan natin. Di tayo maghihiwalay. Sinabi mo pa sa akin na pigilan kita. Eto ginagawa ko ngayon. Kaya natin to. Naniniwala ako sa atin. Wag mo sasabihin na di mo na ako mahal. Magpapakamartir ako para sayo. Titiisin ko lahat ng sakit. Mabalik ka lang. Ganyan kita kamahal. Kahit pa gago ako. Kahit tanga. Kahit bobo ako. Kahit di ako ayos na tayo. Nagbabago din ako. Nagsasawa na ako sa paulit ulit na pagaaway natin. Ayoko na umiyak pa. Gusto ko na magbago. Magbabagong buhay na ako. Please give me another chance to be with you? Please?

Mahal na mahal kita Hazely. Sana marealize mo rin yung mga effort ko para sayo. Wag mo naman sana baliwalain lahat ng ginawa ko. Di ko sinasabi na matuwa ka. Pero sana wag mo naman ako ganituhin. Sasabihin mo na lang bigla na "di na kita mahal". Ayoko ng ganun Hazely. Please? Ayusin natin ha? Mahal na mahal kita. Di ko kayang mawala ka sa akin. I can't stand the thought of losing you. I want to be yours. Hazely. I care for you alot. I'm afraid of losing a girl like you. :( Please?

Thoughts for Today

Minsan nakakatakot din isipin. Isipin na ang hinaharap ay napaka "unpredictable". Alam ko lahat tayo naghahangad ng magandang kinabukasan. Magandang estado ng buhay. May magagarang kotse, naglalakihang bahay, maraming pera, nakakakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw o higit pa, walang utang. Karaniwang pangarap ng isang Pilipino na yan. Oo, inaamin ko. Kasama ako sa mga may ganyang pangarap. Lahat tayo gusto iangat ang estado ng buhay. Lahat tayo gustong makaahon sa dagat ng paghihirap. Saan nga ba nagsisimula ang lahat? Hindi ba't sa atin rin? Gustong gusto ko matupad yun. Kaso nga lang, may isa pang bagay ako na gusto. Gustong gusto ko yun. Lalo na sa hinaharap. Alam ko na matagal pa yun. Taon pa ang bibilangin. Walang imposible diba? Yung gusto ko eh makasama siya. Di lang ngayon, hanggang sa hinaharap. Di ko alam ano pwede mangyari dun. 10 years o mahigit pa ang hihintayin ko. Sana kayanin no? Mahirap na kasi. Una sa lahat, malayo kami. Buti sana kung taga-Maynila rin ako diba? Pano na lang kung pumasok ako dun sa NYK? Edi sa Laguna ako mag-aaral? Tangina. Anlayo. Di ko siya makakasama. Kahit siguro Friday wala. Makapasa lang ako sa isang school sa Manila mas pipiliin ko talaga yun. Gusto ko malapit lang sa kanya. Ayoko lumayo. Seryoso. Sana pumasa ako sa UP, LaSalle, UST or PLM. Pleaseeee? Yun lang talaga gusto ko. Kahit di ko siya makita araw-araw di tulad ngayon. Basta every Friday okay na ako dun. Hayy. Gusto ko kami hanggang sa dulo. Iba kasi talaga yung pakiramdam eh. Yung kahit awayin ka niya. Kahit nasasaktan ka na. Wala ka pa ring pakialam. Ang gusto mo lang yung BEST para sa inyo. Kaya kahit ilang beses na siyang umayaw, ako pa rin yung nagsasabi o nagpupumilit na wag muna. Di ako magsasawa na gawin yun. Siya lang ang gusto ko. SIYA LANG TALAGA. Wala na akong hahanapin pa sa kanya. Kumpleto na eh. Kuntento na ako sa kanya. Ayoko ng matapos pa to. Kung iisipin na kaya to, mangyayari. Okay lang kahit maging mapagkumbaba ako sa kanya, syempre mahal ko siya eh. Titiisin ko na lang lahat. Kahit malayo. Kahit mahirap. Kakayanin namin to. Hanggang sa dulo kami pa rin. TIWALA LANG. Mahal na mahal ko talaga siya eh. Mahal na mahal na mahal ko siya. Mahirap maniwala sa forever pero dahil sa kanya, nanumbalik yung pag-asa ko na may forever talaga. Dahil sa kanya, tiwala ako. :)

Breaking up is an OPTION but NEVER the SOLUTION.

Actually, I told someone about this already and then few deys ago, my friend put on a status. It was the best status I've read. Why? I can relate to it. I already told my girlfriend that no matter what happens, even if the pain is much worse. Breaking up is never the solution to any problem. It will just make the pain worst. What I'm curious about is what drives girls or boys leave their loved one? I've done it before because I made a promise. But actually, I don't like to hurt others. I care about what they feel. It breaks my heart if I hurt someone. I want HER to be happy. Maybe it's the feelings that change. Maybe it's the change. The change one encounters as the relationship moves along. I never experienced that. Someone told me that I'm such a dickhead for letting her hurt me that much. Why endure such thing when you can end it? I don't like to end a relationship. As long as I can handle it, I will never give up on something which has become a part of my life. She became a part of my daily routine. Texting her. Everything about her. That's why I can't break her heart. Yeah, I admit that sometimes I'm being immature. But I will NEVER EVER LEAVE HER. No matter what happens, I won't do it. Even if the problem has no solution, which is quite impossible, I will not do it. I promised her that I won't leave her no matter what. I hope she won't give up on me either. I just hope that this relationship will last. It will if we believe.

Fuck you. A LOT.

What will you feel if one day, your loved one will send a text message to you. You read, "Fuck you. A LOT." I really don't understand what makes people say those words. Especially to your loved one. I can't barely understand the fact that it can hurt someone. Maybe because of the anger? Maybe other things too. But the thing I don't understand the most is that I feel nothing when I receive texts like that. I really don't understand. It's a mixed feeling actually. Two contradicting feelings which cancel out each other therefore feeling nothing. I feel hurt. Of course! I feel hurt because the girl I love sent a text message saying "fuck you" instead of "i love you". The contradicting feeling is that it's okay for me. I don't know but I think its the love that makes me feel that. I love her so much that even if she hurts me so much I can withstand anything. I really love her. I am willing to do anything for her. I wish she would cool her mind when I talk to her one of these days. Talking to her these days are uncertain because she's in the province. Hayyy. I wish she would text me so we could communicate and so I can apologize to her.

Actually, one of my friend told me that I should not let her take me down. My friend said, "Wag mo siyang sanayin sa ganyan. Lagi ka na lang niya inaaway. Di mo ba napapansin na inuunder ka niya?" I answered him with, "Okay lang sa akin. Mahal ko naman siya. Iniintindi ko naman siya lagi eh. Kaya okay lang. Isa pa, ayoko taasan yung pride ko." That's what I answered him. I don't care what others think of me. As long as I love what I'm doing, I am willing to risk anything just for her. I reallyyyyy love herrrrrr. I am madly in love with her. 

If you are reading this, I hope you'd understand me. I'm really sorry for my stupidity. I'm sorry for making you wait for a long time. I'm really sorry. It's okay that you hurt me, as long as I won't hurt you back. I love you. :(

Alam mo yung feeling na di mo napapasaya yung girlfriend mo? Yun ang nararamdaman ko. Yung feeling na pinaramdam mo sa girlfriend mo na isa siyang halimaw. Feeling tuloy ng girlfriend mo na ampanget panget niya. Yung feeling feeling na sobrang nadown ang girlfriend mo dahil sinabi mo? Yung feeling na ayaw na ng girlfriend na icompliment mo siya kasi alam niyang PURO kasinungalingan lang at PAMPAGAAN lang ng LOOB lahat ng sinasabi mo.

That's how I feel. Lahat ng sisi nasa akin. Dahil sa nangyari sa amin. Putangina ko. Napakawalang kwenta akong boyfriend. Isang boyfriend na hinayaan lang na maramdaman ng girlfriend nya yun? Tama ba naman yun? Boyfriend ka tapos sasabihan mo halimaw girlfriend mo? Putangina lang. Ako kasi yung tipong gustong gusto icompliment yung girl kasi I know it boosts their self esteem and they'll believe in themselves better. Ang boyfriend din dapat cinocompliment ang girlfriend kasi it adds a sweet effect. Hindi ba't mas nagiging sweet pag ganun? Na sabihan mo yung girl na "You look beautiful." kahit yung ganyan lang. Honestly, nung sinabi nya sa akin na natuwa siya for making her feel special. Alam mo yung feeling ko nun. Yung parang ansaya-saya kasi you made a girl feel beautiful like she's the only girl. Yun sana yung gusto kong iparamdam sa kanya. Siya lang ang kaisa-isang babae sa akin at siya ang pinakamaganda para sa akin. Pero ngayon, wala na. Di ko na pwede gawin yun. Dahil yun sa akin. Dahil sa ginawa ko. Katarantaduhan ba naman eh. Tama siya. Kahit pa man joke yun. It makes a girl feel na wala naman talagang special sa kanya. It made her feel so down. So fcked up. Gusto ko sana ituloy kaso she'll hate me for saying another compliment. Now I know that compliments are just lies to make someone feel better. It just makes me feel fcking worse. I'm beginning to question myself whether if I should call myself a boyfriend or not. Because I know for a fact that a boyfriend does not let her girlfriend down and in that case I'm not in. It just affects me alot. A real lot. I'm not worthy to be called a boyfriend. NOT WORTHY OF ANYTHING. I'm just a boy inlove with a girl.